U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
