I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
