I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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