You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
