I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
