textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
