does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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