and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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