just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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