My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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