I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My life is pants optional.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
