Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
