my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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