I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
