So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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