I smell stomach acid.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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