did you get engaged???
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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