Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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