If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
