She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
