I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
