guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
