dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
