69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
