After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
