I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
