If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize