the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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