one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize