Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
