I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
