I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
