If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
