threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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