i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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