Cold hands, warm shart.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
