You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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