Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
