I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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