My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
