remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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