K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
pop tarts are not kleenex
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
