i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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