I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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