Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
