Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
