and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
