Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize