Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
