i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
