I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
