I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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