so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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