do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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