im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
