I can text with my tongue
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize