My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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