I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
