I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
