If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
