I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
