I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
